damn....

Saturday 24th August 2008

...why oh why oh why??

One day things in my life will be straightforward, until then I'll just carry on bumbling through I guess.

I'm 41 years old, never been married, but have been engaged a couple of times. I've been in mainly long term relationships with a couple of years of "sowing my wild oats" in between (which was great fun and maybe one day I'll get round to sharing some of those stories on here!)

At the moment I am sharing a house with a guy, that was my fiance, but we split up last year, then sort of drifted back in together, but never managed to have "the talk" and get our relationship back on track....even though we do still own a house together and share a bed, literally for sleeping!! I'm not wearing my engagement ring ....and he hasnt asked me to put it back on. We are more like brother and sister who just happen to share the same living space. He shows me no affection on the days when we are actually here together, but we do talk and are good friends and to be honest I think we will always be friends, just dont think we will ever be back together! He seems to be more affectionate when I'm not here and I get calls all the time asking how I am and have the occasional "I miss you, when are you coming home" call - but when I do come home, nothing is ever different. If I want a hug I have to ask for one - it is a one way street emotionally! And as for the physical side......forget it!!

I should explain that 2 years ago he had a minor stroke, although you wouldnt know it if you ever met him. It clearly affected him and he was the one that instigated the split last year as he said "I cant give you the loving you need". This was true, but as I told him when he said that it was only 9 months after his stroke and we'd been together long enough and been through enough for it to not matter in the short term. So I moved out as that was what he wanted.

But, I moved back into the house after 3 months as I was continuing to pay my share of the bills and he was reaping the benefits of living in my lovely house whilst I stayed in a single room at my parents. I work in London during the week and he works nights at weekends, so we hardly see each other anyway. Therefore I moved back in on the basis that we were just sharing the house. 2 months after moving back in he had a flash of inspiration and decided that he did love me after all, things changed for about a month!!! Now things are back to me being basically house-keeper!

We've been through so much over the last 11 years, not only his stroke but also major surgery and about 3 near death experiences through various illnesses. So, its kind of difficult to just walk away.....

BUT! I've been seeing someone from work on a casual basis for the last month or so - he seems to think there is a bit more to our "relationship" than a bit of fun and is expecting to see me at least once a week for an overnight visit and getting grumpy if I dont! I've got a few other guys that are interested which is great for the ego as you can imagine, especially bearing in mind what is going on at home!

HOWEVER! I went on a date with a guy last week, we met at a friends wedding, but not until the very end so managed to exchange numbers and actually got on a date this week. Here is where the problem starts...... I really like this guy (yep, even after just one date!) So much so that I told him about my home situation from the off (not the full gory details, but enough) and also about the other guys......it didnt seem to put him off and we had a fabulous date. Lots of talking, lots of snogging and lots of laughs. He made me feel like a teenager again - I hadnt been on a date for soooo long!

So now, I cant get this guy out of my head and it seems he's feeling the same - I know its ridiculous after 1 date especially bearing in mind all that is going on elsewhere in my life.

So what next?

Well, I'm supposed to be seeing the "other guy" on Tuesday, he's expecting me to go to his house, but I'm not going to - I'm going to suggest just drinks and tell him I want to step away from the "relationship" but still stay friends. He's in the middle of a fairly messy break up with his wife, so doesnt need another girl hurting him and although he knows about my home situation, I think he thinks there could be more for us in the future......which there wont, so its best I nip it in the bud now, especially seeing as we work in the same office!

Then, on Wednesday I have another date with the wedding guy - and I cant wait :o)

We are going out for a meal close to where he lives. I know we will have a fabulous time and I know that we will actually spend the night together, but strangely enough I actually hope that we dont do anything. Ridiculous as I know that I want to but ..... he's different!

The main reason for writing this blog is for the wedding guy - just in case anything does actually happen, I want him to know that right from the off I was trying to get my life in order. We had a couple of conversations last night when he was out with the lads and as he was a bit drunk he said things that he probably wouldnt have if he was sober. He kept apologising for calling me when he was drunk - but I was quite flattered that he was out on a boys night out and all he could think about was texting and calling me.....I dont understand girls that get annoyed when their boyfriends call them from a night out - they should be happy that all their men want to do is talk to them instead of chatting up other women!! Anyway, I'm going off at a tangent as usual....

Well, thats the opening blog written, hopefully I'll remember to come in and update it to tell you all how I'm feeling.